Giving away my age – Rush Klepp

I love some good windows, so you can’t be surprised that I clicked on this one.

But my friends, it was so far beyond my wildest dreams.

It begins… almost subtly.

Can you imagine trying to dust that thing? Good *night*.

WITH A GIANT CHIHULY-LIKE CHANDELIER.

But wait… is that truly the first thing you see, or is it —

Y’all know they didn’t just pick that up at Lowe’s.

THE ZOOPTY-DO STAIRCASE CARPETING?!

Let us also note the additional glass art pieces on both sides of the staircase. This place would run you a fortune in Windex alone.

Moving on.

Wild, I have this same statue in my house.

Poseidon! Ladies! A lion!

Now, my friends, we begin the true glory of this abode.

That fireplace brings me joy. Teal metal cabinets? *chef’s kiss*

The 90’s have returned!

Where does one even FIND a mirrored purple pool table? What else would that store sell?!

Or did they never leave?

There is SO MUCH in this picture. The teal-wrapped chaise on the right. The teal faux(?) leather ottoman(?) in the front. That cabinet action on the left, with a painting of a martini glass with a cigar on top. Those bar stools, hello. And, how could you miss it, the mirrored purple pool table.

The quantity of glasses suggest the TOTALLY RAD parties they must throw.

I really want those ridge-y cabinets to roll up like garage doors.

Over and over in this house I can’t help but ask — where did they GET these things? Where does one find glossy red/black/silver cabinetry? What artistic master is just out there crushing it, 90s-style?

Observe: the clear stools on the left. The stools on the right with frogs wearing sunglasses and a crown. The light fixture. The rug. The chairs. Every piece of it. Ugh. It’s all that AND a bag of chips.

That sink is RED. Nobody ever told me that was an option.

So you cook in this very fly kitchen, but where does one sit down for a nice meal?

Can we take a minute to acknowledge those candles, and how perfectly they match the color scheme?

BOOYAH!

Those chairs remind me of Mixed-Up/Mashed-Up cereals they (used to?) sell. It’s not a teal chair. It’s not a purple chair. It’s not a p…ink? peach? chair. IT’S A MASH-UP CHAIR.

Story time. In the 90’s, which was 10 years ago, don’t @ me, my family had a rectangular glass kitchen table. The middle was black glass, and it had a 4 or 5 inch border of clear glass with rounded corners. This meant you couldn’t see the edge of the table in your peripheral vision. Because it was clear. You could see the black section though, and our brains would say “Aha! There is the edge of the table! Don’t walk into it!” But our brains were wrong.

And that’s how my family spent several years with bruised hips.

Anyhoo, that’s a nice table.

And so we return to a more modern time — if we must. Very nice pool, and we’re riverfront, wonderful.

But — and it took me a second to notice this — there’s one last glorious piece.

A GIANT DOLPHIN STATUE!

Note: it also has a sauna and a helopad out front. You know, for your helicopter to land.

I love it. Yours for $3.99mil.

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